And through a fracture on that breaking wall

The past few weeks have been littered with thoughts, how to's and cry fests about what I am doing in regards to eating. I stick to no meat and I eat cheese, I stick to no cheese and I eat chicken...The one thing that did come out of all this is that, I cant do it. I can not be a vegetarian or a vegan. My lifestyle is different than it was 7 years ago and for some reason, so is my mind and determination. It has been driving me crazy and add to that the stress of daily life and keeping it all together for my family, it was just too hard. Making and eating dinner with my husband is something that I look forward to all day - and it wasnt exciting. It was a stressful time coupled with tears and I hated it. Everyone who knows me, knows how much I love to cook. It has come to define me within my inner circle. I couldnt imagine being asked to whip up some of my famous and yummy treats to bring somewhere, only to not be able to enjoy them. This statement of going veg/vegan was unrealistic but at the time, I thought it was the holy grail.

So, moving forward amongst the the tummy aches and headaches..a light bulb did go off. In case I havent mentioned this before...Im fat. Like real fat. Too fat for my age and too fat in general. I got this fat by not only getting pregnant but with the help of no self control, eating what I want because I believe I am entitled after a day of laundry, chores and errands and just plain comfort. But in real life - outside of this blog - Im miserable. There is never a day where I dont wake up tired. In fact , I dont even remember the last time I woke up feeling good. I complain all the time about ..well, anything. I really dont like who I am right now and I certainly dont want my son growing up around a mom who is like this. Making any sort of change in your life is hard..but you have to want to do it. I truly dont think I ever wanted to become veg again...but at the time it was the perfect solution to my issues, so I thought. Do I want to be more fit, get rid of my ailments and not cringe when getting my picture taken - absolutely. Will I be able to do this again - I hope so. Am I going to become a fanatic, probably not, but I do want to focus on healthier choices. I dont have alot going for me genetically in the health department. Both sides of my family have health issues. Cancer, heart disease, diabetes...etc..etc. I cant believe at age 35 I am still struggling with this. When I turned 29, I made a promise to myself that I was going to compete in the IRONMAN before I was 35. I hired a personal trainer, ran on the treadmill and was rocking some Madonna guns (ok maybe thats exaggerated). I felt good and I looked good. Fast forward 6 years and nothing remains of that person. Its kinda sad actually. All that work and dedication....

From this day on, I am going to try with all my might to have some self control. I am going to try like hell to compete in Kona for the IRONMAN 2015 and I will gladly have a full blown conversation with myself in the middle of the grocery store about if I should or shouldnt buy those chips....

No we're never gonna survive unless...we are a little ...Crazy

In a world full of people only some want to fly...Isn't that crazy???

In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly.. Ain't that crazy???

But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy

Just sitting here doing time...

It's been a few since I have posted..and for good reason. I have not stuck to my word and in fact have even had chicken. What I have noticed is that I am really having a hard time making this happen for me. I dont know why this was so simple last time. I enjoyed all the food, loved the tastes and loved even more exploring new foods.
I remember years ago when I started this journey into the veg life, I promised myself I would try a new veggie each week. I was steaming okra, mashing sweet potatoes and eating edamame from the shell. Now, I cant even handle a cooked carrot. I dont know what happened. This has made me so depressed, angry and pissed off that I have to do this..not that I want to.
I feel like I am back at my cross roads. Why is this so friggin hard to do? I am not giving up completely but I have absolutely not stayed on my path. I would like to clear my slate and start over but I dont know if I can. I know I need to lose weight, I know I need to eat better and work out more....and I know I need to get to the bottom of my stomach issues. And I will....but when?
I was so ready a few weeks ago. Sitting in the bathroom thinking to myself  "its almost over..tomorrow starts relief". I was pumped and excited. Now Im aggravated and lost. Searching for my breaking point that I thought I already hit.

Today I was at target and  I overheard a woman say "I could be a vegetarian so easily" to which I chuckled to myself..really??? If its that easy - then do it..You're certainly not gaining anything by eating animals. Yes there is protein and other "good" parts but in actuality meats, all meats, are really bad for us. They contribute to heart disease, high cholesterol, cancer and many more. Yet if I know this,why do I find it so hard to not eat it. I have heard many people say that food is like a drug and now I understand that statement. Like an addict that knows its bad for them, hurting them and bringing them down right pain - yet they still do it..*sigh*

Im just a creature of habit. A hamster in the round who is content with the way things are..but is screaming inside for a change.

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing


Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin


When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange


Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game



People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away


Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me


When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall


Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball
I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round I really love to watch them roll


No longer riding on the merry-go-round I just had to let it go

It's the same old thing as yesterday....

This weekend proved to be much too hard for what I was ready for. I had a great night planned with some dear friends and when we went out, there was nothing - I mean nothing - on the menu for me to eat. The small garden salad was no way going to fill me. I really didnt know what to do. I was starving and knew that if I sat there the whole night not eating, it would make it awkward and uncomfortable. I decided to forgo my veganism for the night for so many reasons - certainly not the right ones..but did it anyways. I went with the chicken parm and spaghetti. When looking back now, I guess I couldve just ordered the spaghetti but at the time, I didnt think it was an option.

Was it good?? You bet. It was crispy and buttery and just plain damn yummy. Did I get sick? You bet. Within ten minutes the feelings came to surface. The sweats, the nervousness of being in public and having to use the restroom. I just went with it and dealt the hand that I gave myself. Its a vicious circle,this stomach issue if mine. I eat, it comes out then Im STARVING. To the point that if I dont eat, I will get a headache. Its the main reason for my bad food choices. Laziness being number two. If you think I stopped eating after incident number one, I didnt. I finished the chicken and did minor damage to the spaghetti. By the time the night was over, I had three incidents, cheesecake, coffee and great time. When I got home and went a few more rounds, I felt better and worse rolled into one. I'm not sure what it's going to take to convince me to just stop this.

The next day, a very lazy Sunday, went pretty much the same way. Bad food choices, but at that point I dont think there was anything left in me to come out. But the tiredness was there, the irritability and the little voice in my head threatening to punch me in the face for screwing it all up. My lack of self discipline is pathetic. Inside myself there is a want to be healthy, to have energy , not sweat, worry and to be honest - wear some cute clothes again. I thought she was roaring last week but as it turns out it was just a meow. I dont know where my spark went. I am forever the victim to my own actions and it just needs to end. Ugh. Maybe I should get "dont fuck up today" tattood on my hands. Kid friendly no, but a great reminder.

So far so good today though, maybe the 2am conversation with myself, George Harrison (he was on the ipod) and a sleepy hubs did some good. One day at a time..


"I have stood here before inside the pouring rain - With the world turning circles running 'round my brain


I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign - But it's my destiny to be the QUEEN of pain"

I have always been a storm...

Well in true fat lady fashion, I didn't stick to what I had said I would. I wish I could return with words that I have been a faithful vegan - but I haven't. I had cake and pizza. Yea Im a hypocrite and apparently not really ready to commit as much as I thought I was. But I have my reasons - see, some things don't bother me - (which maybe puts my theory to a halt) -  Mozzarella cheese is one of them. I can handle it in small quantities. So I guess I could call myself a vegetarian more than a vegan. I wouldn't eat ranch dressing or mayonnaise but a little bit of  mozz cheese I'm ok with on occasion.

I always pick the toughest weeks to make a lifestyle change. This week, no different. I of course got my monthly friend which makes me want to eat everything deep fried, covered in cheese and topped with bacon. Im so tired that even blinking takes too much effort. I am a tired person though. Sleeping is my favorite thing to do. I am too young to always feel like this, so I am hoping that within the next few weeks I will start to see some increased energy. Im also having horrible headaches. I haven't had much coffee because I have skim milk in mine. Most places dont have soy milk around me, so I haven't stopped to get one. Guess its a good thing - a bit of a detox and to help cease my AA worthy dependency on caffeine. My get up and go, got up and went many times when I didnt have my coffee light with skim milk and three sweet and lows. Yes three. I like to have more saccharine in me than a lab rat.

Nothing ever comes easy for me. I am not one of those people who has the best self control when it comes to food or anything actually. If I see a car I like, I fall in love with the one that is fully loaded and 10 grand more..If i want to adopt a pet, I find the one at the shelter that hates people and ate it's young for breakfast. I dont know why I thought this transition was going to be any different. I think I thought I was going to be sprinkled with common sense dust and all my bad habits were a thing of the past. Not so much. Nothing comes easy for this storm...

It's not as if I gave up. I ate my orange and my bananas and my tofu. My Larabars (awesome), my earth balance and black bean burgers. Even hubs ate his black bean burgers and he liked them. It's great to have someone in your life that supports and has the belief in you that you dont always have in your self. I have that in hubs. He's my biggest fan..as I am his. He deals with my hurricanes, tsunami's, tidal waves and rainbows..all while patiently awaiting his next vegan meal. (Enter sarcasm)


So I try to say...Goodbye my friend....I'd like to leave you with something warm



But never have I been a blue calm sea...I have always been a storm....Always been a storm...

They say it's your birthday...

and it was.. Though it wasnt a bad birthday, it just wasnt like the old days. There wasnt a Strawberry Shortcake paper tablecloth, michael jackson records, Doritos and m&m's. There was a two year old with double Early Intervention sessions, trips to the grocery store and gas station. Not to mention, hotter than the devil's crotch outside- which always makes me oh so bubbly.

Since this was my birthday and calories do not count, I indulged in my favorite food ever. Cake. I dont like fancy bullshit cake. I like gritty lard frosting from Shaw's. Where there are pretty pink roses and petals that I can eat whole - and do. There is always room for cake. Always. I had a feeling that eating it would probably bother my stomach and sure enough I was right. About an hour after, I was in the bathroom asking myself why I ate it  - well duh, its my birthday. The second round I asked myself if it was worth it and as much as i love cake - like LOVE cake - it really wasnt worth it. 9 hours later and 3 more rounds I still stand by my statement. I feel horrible. Not like I did yesterday, I am out of my fog. But I feel like i got punched in the stomach. The whole point of me committing to this was to find out if I am really ready to go forth and end this lifestyle...and I have to say after taking two steps back..I am ready.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my birthday. A holiday in my eyes, where I celebrate me. When I was little I wore a pin that read "ITS MY BIRTHDAY"  and have always lived up to being a true Leo . But today I did alot of inner reflecting instead of celebrating. I thought about how much I cry and how easy it is for me to tell people to man up but I cant seem to do it myself. Why are we always our own worst enemies? We know we should eat right, do our cardio, donate our time and money and we eat deep fried oreo's (gross, yes Ive tried them), sit in our favorite spot and change the channel when that commercial comes on - we all know which one. I try so hard to do the right thing..but I always end up saying, well hearing Gloria Estefan say, "Theres always tomorrow to start over again." And it rings true again. Tomorrow.

I guess the real test starts then. No more cake, even though there is some downstairs singing a sweet love song to me from the fridge. I just cant. Its not worth it. Maybe if I say that enough, I will start to believe it.



“Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.” - Napoleon Hill

That I would be good...

"that I would be good if I got and stayed sick - that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds..."
 
My thoughts exactly Alanis. I have come to terms with the fact that Im overweight. Sometimes I think its how I was meant to be. When I do get back up there in numbers I seem to hover around the same 3 pounds with or with out trying to diet. I have said to myself that it is what it is when it came to my weight and have gladly taken on the identity of the younger, less wealthy Barefoot Contessa. That said, it doesnt mean I'm happy with it. My sense of humor has always been my defense. My nice clothes and fancy bmw was me hiding behind the fact that I was a big girl. Inside I was so sick of it. SO sick of messing with my shirts so they didnt look too tight, so sick of thinking im one size and in reality, I wasnt. But most of all, sick of feeling like total hell for well..ever.
 
Today was not the easy day that I was hoping for. I was thinking that when I awoke from my slumber cartoon birds were going to flutter around me and carry me downstairs. Nope. I woke up way earlier than I wanted and starving. Great. I dragged myself downstairs to eat something. I didnt feel right. Still dont. Felt like I was in a daze. A little bit of a fog . I thought that after some cereal and almond milk I was going to magically feel like a yogi. Nope. All I wanted to do was nap. Go back to bed and stay there. I was counting the minutes until nap time and staring at my two year old like " cmon - arent u tired yet?? " Finally nap time and I got right into bed and poof, my eyes were wide open. Really?? All I had been thinking about for 5 hours was a nap and now I was awake enough to do calculus. Well, maybe not that awake. I never passed Algebra 1.
 
A little lunch of sesame tofu, brown rice and fresh scallions was what I decided on for lunch and what was in my mind the perfect food to get me out of this rut. Now before you think "ugh tofu" - have you tried it? Really before you judge, think about what you put in your mouth today. A soy bean isnt the worst thing you could ingest. I purchase the golden sesame tofu from whole foods. I have actually driven many hours to get it. Its amazing!! When you're faced with a bum that hurts, you just want something that doesnt bother you. In actuality I dont know if soy is the right choice for me. Sometimes after I eat it, I do get sick. For it happened today...but I dont know if thats just a coincidence. Guess time will tell. Here is a pic - dont tell me it doesnt look yummy. Tofu has an egg like consistency and it doesnt have a taste. It takes on whatever you cook it with. For those of us who cant have eggs ( i am actually allergic) it is a great option. You can buy firm tofu, scramble it with some garlic, salt and pepper and its like an omelet!
 

 
So here I sit, the eve of 35. Eating my weight in pistachios. I really want cheez its, but that wont work too well in my new diet. I dont have too much funny today. It was such an odd day. Never felt right. I did however do my exercises. As much as my two year old was setting lego's in my path as his was of showing his disdain for me using the television, I did my two miles.
 
I am hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Aside from it being my bday, I am going to have cake - so in the end , it will be a great day.
 
"That I Would Be Good” explores the wonder we all feel—if we lost a certain something, would we still matter—would we still be loved?



“That I would be loved  - Even when I am not myself.  That I would be good  - Even when I am overwhelmed.”

Ob La Di Ob La Da

As i sit here, I am 2 days away from being 35. An age that for some reason has always seemed "old" to me..but I am in the middle of a rebirth, so to speak.

Alot has happened to me in my 35 years. I have loved, lost, drank, puked, rocked on and stood silent. I married a man that women wish would show up on a white horse...who still after all these years gives me goosebumps when he walks into a room..I have a beautiful son, a gorgeous home and a wonderful family that is never short on drama..I have lots of "stuff" - some coming straight from Chanel on Rodeo Drive but most from Target down the street...In a nutshell I am what is considered "normal" to American standards. That standard also includes my weight. We live in a country of obesity. Where a naval orange is 1.69 but a cheeseburger is 99 cents. Where you can drive anywhere, not get out of your car and get a super sized quadruple heart attack but not a banana.

This is not a blog about the food/weight epidemic, so relax. It is about my loss of patience, my 6-8 trips a day to the bathroom to shit my brains out, my loss of faith in doctors and how I am taking control of my own life, my colon and my health. This fat lady has sang...

To start from the beginning, I have had stomach issues for years. 14 actually. One day I woke up and could no longer tolerate dairy, wheat or heavy oils...what the fuck? I got so sick - thinner - but sick. No one really knew what was wrong with me, food allergies weren't as common as they are now. I went to a few doctors, one confirming I was lactose intolerant and another who chalked it up to hormones and the chicken pox I was newly recovering from...um, ok. The next few years were pretty much this: eat it, poop it..eat it...poop it. - get it?? And for some reason I kept thinking this was normal. I never changed my diet, just dealt with it and gained weight...and lots of it.

Fast forward to 2003. I was looking for something to wear, shorts actually, since I sweat like a beast all year round. I couldn't find any, so I decided Id throw on my husbands and put on a belt. Perfect! But...They didn't fit. To the point where I had knee boobies sticking out. They were a size 40/42 in mens - which translates to an 18/20 in womens. I actually looked at myself in the mirror and was speechless for the first time in my life. Holy Shit- how did this happen...what now???
The next day I went to weight watchers. When I got there the door was locked and took that as a sign from God that I didn't need help and could do it on my own. As i drove home, stopping at dunkin donuts with a new found motivation, I caught a glimpse of myself eating my bagel...who am I kidding?? I cant do this on my own..if I could, I wouldn't be here in my car eating a bagel with cream cheese so thick you could see teeth marks. The next day I joined and never told anyone. I needed to see if it would work first and a few weeks later the weight was coming off. I slowly told my family and friends and they were all so proud of me. Hell I was so proud of myself. I had started a love affair with exercise and laughing cow cheeses. I picked strawberries over chips and low fat over Paula Deen. But one thing didn't change..the poops. They stayed around like an unwanted relative. It was still quick runs - no pun intended - to the potty. Going to dinner AFTER the movie and many days eating saltines and ginger ale if I knew I was going on a long drive..
I slowly started to eliminate things from my diet, one being red meat and as I was up late one night surfing the web for beef less recipes, I came across the website that showed me how my food made it to my plate. (http://www.meetyourmeat.com/ for those who care) I sat bawling in the office, where my husband came to see what I was so upset about..at that point I swore I would never eat another animal..and for the next few years I didn't. I became a vegetarian for a long time and then slowly became a vegan. I didn't wear animals or consume them. At first it was hard, because no one likes marinated chicken on the grill as much as my fat ass, but after a while, I didn't miss it..and ya know what else I didn't miss??? The poops. They left. They finally got the point and went to bother a new colon...
In that whole process I lost 65 pounds. I got rid of my bathroom liaisons, my tiredness and had a life...

A few years later, I got pregnant and planned to stay on my veg diet through out my whole pregnancy. Well, life had other plans. Upon entering my 5th month, I truly would have killed a cow on the side of the road with my bare hands and yelled "Wolverines" Red Dawn style. I remember when Wendy's messed up my husbands food and gave him "the baconater". He looked at me like "you're not going to really eat that are you?" and you bet your sweet ass I did. I rubbed it all over my face like I had found the fountain of youth creme in bacon grease. Wow it was delicious. And I was sick for three days. Awake at night convinced that my actions were going to give my son hooves. Then I got over it and listened to people who told me "your body knows what it needs, listen to it." So I did. It said over and over that it wanted boneless buffalo wings, crab rangoons and sausage egg and cheese on onion bagels. I tried so hard to maintain a healthy veggie diet but old wives tales got the best of me. And almost every night I sat in that bathroom so sick and praying that I would not give birth in the toilet. I ignored the clearest message my body was sending at that point... I also gained back every pound I had lost plus 12 by the time my son came. Awesome.

Along with the blissfullness of being a new mom, shit started happening that wasn't kosher. Joint pain to the point that if I got down on the floor I need help to get up. Massive migraine headaches that would keep me in bed for hours and so tired that I would literally cry. I never thought twice about what I was eating. Once i fell off the veg wagon I didn't go back..being a new mom was hard enough and my diet was the last thing on my mind. I had a 10 plus pound kid and a vagina that was really pissed at me..So i was trying to get a handle on other things at the time. Finally I called the doctor. All sorts of blood work later, a biopsy on my small intestines and several appts  : I have Celiac Disease. WTF is that?? Well, its an auto immune disease where your body cant handle gluten so it starts to attack itself..(I'm clearly paraphrasing here. Its much more than that. Google it.) Great. Yippee. What now?? According to my gastro. Nothing. My biopsy didn't show any damage so I don't have to go gluten free. She tells me to keep a food journal till my follow up appt and we will take it from there. Cool. Six weeks later I am in her office and show her my journal. There is a star next to anything that made me sick, or that I had a reaction to in some way, shape or form. Next to all those stars were animal products. When I asked her if I could be allergic to animal proteins somehow she looked me in the eyes and said "I have never heard of that. You must be a medical mystery" Yeah..cuz I'm lying jack ass...The end result was her telling me to take Imodium every day. Really?? Are you fucking kidding me??? How does that solve the problem? Oh that's right, it doesn't. Upon leaving her office she told me to schedule my next follow up in 8 weeks where I looked her in the eyes and said "That wont be necessary. I have Imodium to fix me." I never went back.

A few months later I called my regular Doctor again. Telling him that nothing has changed, I'm not going to take Imodium and I want a second opinion. After some pushing to get the appt, I happily went into the big city to see the Big Gun at Big Fancy City Hospital that is now on a tv show. I was so excited. This was the beginning of the end of poops. The end of guessing games over what I can eat. Its finally here. And it was gone just as fast. He was in the room for less than 8 minutes. He spoke fast. Very fast. To the point where he was getting out of breath and the end of his sentences trailed off. He told me to put Citrucel in my diet. One teaspoon a day for a few weeks. That I wouldn't need a follow up appt but if I felt i did the usual is in 6 months. He ordered a new blood test to double check for Celiac and as I sat there waiting for the blood work, i fought back tears. Tears of frustration, anger and for being ushered out of there like some part of a cattle call. When we got to the car, I lost it. I truly cant remember the last time I cried that hard out of madness - or if I ever have. The one positive point was that he did tell me that there are people who have reactions to animal proteins but they don't know what the related entity is that causes it. Good news..I guess.

So when i got home, I threw myself the biggest pity party on the planet. I stood there looking at myself from the outside and after many more tears, finally said fuck this. Im over doctors. Im over people making me think Im crazy for having the reactions that I do. Im over feeling pressured into eating what ever is there so Im not looked at as weird. Im done. The Fat Lady has sung her final verse. As of Monday August 16th, the day before my 35th birthday, I am becoming a vegan again. I am going to completely commit myself for six weeks. If nothing changes, the next six weeks will be gluten free, then sugar free...I will keep going till I get it right. If I lose weight great but Id rather lose my dependency on preparation H. Each day I am going to post my updates of my new journey. I am going to do my exercises, my yoga, read my books, meditate and take pictures with my son. If I'm really lucky, maybe I could change the mind of my husband..or one of you.

P.S. Im having birthday cake. yes there are animals in there but I can handle one last poopapalooza. Don't fuck with my birthday cake.

"A no uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a yes merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble"  - Gandhi