And through a fracture on that breaking wall

The past few weeks have been littered with thoughts, how to's and cry fests about what I am doing in regards to eating. I stick to no meat and I eat cheese, I stick to no cheese and I eat chicken...The one thing that did come out of all this is that, I cant do it. I can not be a vegetarian or a vegan. My lifestyle is different than it was 7 years ago and for some reason, so is my mind and determination. It has been driving me crazy and add to that the stress of daily life and keeping it all together for my family, it was just too hard. Making and eating dinner with my husband is something that I look forward to all day - and it wasnt exciting. It was a stressful time coupled with tears and I hated it. Everyone who knows me, knows how much I love to cook. It has come to define me within my inner circle. I couldnt imagine being asked to whip up some of my famous and yummy treats to bring somewhere, only to not be able to enjoy them. This statement of going veg/vegan was unrealistic but at the time, I thought it was the holy grail.

So, moving forward amongst the the tummy aches and headaches..a light bulb did go off. In case I havent mentioned this before...Im fat. Like real fat. Too fat for my age and too fat in general. I got this fat by not only getting pregnant but with the help of no self control, eating what I want because I believe I am entitled after a day of laundry, chores and errands and just plain comfort. But in real life - outside of this blog - Im miserable. There is never a day where I dont wake up tired. In fact , I dont even remember the last time I woke up feeling good. I complain all the time about ..well, anything. I really dont like who I am right now and I certainly dont want my son growing up around a mom who is like this. Making any sort of change in your life is hard..but you have to want to do it. I truly dont think I ever wanted to become veg again...but at the time it was the perfect solution to my issues, so I thought. Do I want to be more fit, get rid of my ailments and not cringe when getting my picture taken - absolutely. Will I be able to do this again - I hope so. Am I going to become a fanatic, probably not, but I do want to focus on healthier choices. I dont have alot going for me genetically in the health department. Both sides of my family have health issues. Cancer, heart disease, diabetes...etc..etc. I cant believe at age 35 I am still struggling with this. When I turned 29, I made a promise to myself that I was going to compete in the IRONMAN before I was 35. I hired a personal trainer, ran on the treadmill and was rocking some Madonna guns (ok maybe thats exaggerated). I felt good and I looked good. Fast forward 6 years and nothing remains of that person. Its kinda sad actually. All that work and dedication....

From this day on, I am going to try with all my might to have some self control. I am going to try like hell to compete in Kona for the IRONMAN 2015 and I will gladly have a full blown conversation with myself in the middle of the grocery store about if I should or shouldnt buy those chips....

No we're never gonna survive unless...we are a little ...Crazy

In a world full of people only some want to fly...Isn't that crazy???

In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly.. Ain't that crazy???

But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy