It's the same old thing as yesterday....

This weekend proved to be much too hard for what I was ready for. I had a great night planned with some dear friends and when we went out, there was nothing - I mean nothing - on the menu for me to eat. The small garden salad was no way going to fill me. I really didnt know what to do. I was starving and knew that if I sat there the whole night not eating, it would make it awkward and uncomfortable. I decided to forgo my veganism for the night for so many reasons - certainly not the right ones..but did it anyways. I went with the chicken parm and spaghetti. When looking back now, I guess I couldve just ordered the spaghetti but at the time, I didnt think it was an option.

Was it good?? You bet. It was crispy and buttery and just plain damn yummy. Did I get sick? You bet. Within ten minutes the feelings came to surface. The sweats, the nervousness of being in public and having to use the restroom. I just went with it and dealt the hand that I gave myself. Its a vicious circle,this stomach issue if mine. I eat, it comes out then Im STARVING. To the point that if I dont eat, I will get a headache. Its the main reason for my bad food choices. Laziness being number two. If you think I stopped eating after incident number one, I didnt. I finished the chicken and did minor damage to the spaghetti. By the time the night was over, I had three incidents, cheesecake, coffee and great time. When I got home and went a few more rounds, I felt better and worse rolled into one. I'm not sure what it's going to take to convince me to just stop this.

The next day, a very lazy Sunday, went pretty much the same way. Bad food choices, but at that point I dont think there was anything left in me to come out. But the tiredness was there, the irritability and the little voice in my head threatening to punch me in the face for screwing it all up. My lack of self discipline is pathetic. Inside myself there is a want to be healthy, to have energy , not sweat, worry and to be honest - wear some cute clothes again. I thought she was roaring last week but as it turns out it was just a meow. I dont know where my spark went. I am forever the victim to my own actions and it just needs to end. Ugh. Maybe I should get "dont fuck up today" tattood on my hands. Kid friendly no, but a great reminder.

So far so good today though, maybe the 2am conversation with myself, George Harrison (he was on the ipod) and a sleepy hubs did some good. One day at a time..


"I have stood here before inside the pouring rain - With the world turning circles running 'round my brain


I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign - But it's my destiny to be the QUEEN of pain"