Alot has happened to me in my 35 years. I have loved, lost, drank, puked, rocked on and stood silent. I married a man that women wish would show up on a white horse...who still after all these years gives me goosebumps when he walks into a room..I have a beautiful son, a gorgeous home and a wonderful family that is never short on drama..I have lots of "stuff" - some coming straight from Chanel on Rodeo Drive but most from Target down the street...In a nutshell I am what is considered "normal" to American standards. That standard also includes my weight. We live in a country of obesity. Where a naval orange is 1.69 but a cheeseburger is 99 cents. Where you can drive anywhere, not get out of your car and get a super sized quadruple heart attack but not a banana.
This is not a blog about the food/weight epidemic, so relax. It is about my loss of patience, my 6-8 trips a day to the bathroom to shit my brains out, my loss of faith in doctors and how I am taking control of my own life, my colon and my health. This fat lady has sang...
To start from the beginning, I have had stomach issues for years. 14 actually. One day I woke up and could no longer tolerate dairy, wheat or heavy oils...what the fuck? I got so sick - thinner - but sick. No one really knew what was wrong with me, food allergies weren't as common as they are now. I went to a few doctors, one confirming I was lactose intolerant and another who chalked it up to hormones and the chicken pox I was newly recovering from...um, ok. The next few years were pretty much this: eat it, poop it..eat it...poop it. - get it?? And for some reason I kept thinking this was normal. I never changed my diet, just dealt with it and gained weight...and lots of it.
Fast forward to 2003. I was looking for something to wear, shorts actually, since I sweat like a beast all year round. I couldn't find any, so I decided Id throw on my husbands and put on a belt. Perfect! But...They didn't fit. To the point where I had knee boobies sticking out. They were a size 40/42 in mens - which translates to an 18/20 in womens. I actually looked at myself in the mirror and was speechless for the first time in my life. Holy Shit- how did this happen...what now???
The next day I went to weight watchers. When I got there the door was locked and took that as a sign from God that I didn't need help and could do it on my own. As i drove home, stopping at dunkin donuts with a new found motivation, I caught a glimpse of myself eating my bagel...who am I kidding?? I cant do this on my own..if I could, I wouldn't be here in my car eating a bagel with cream cheese so thick you could see teeth marks. The next day I joined and never told anyone. I needed to see if it would work first and a few weeks later the weight was coming off. I slowly told my family and friends and they were all so proud of me. Hell I was so proud of myself. I had started a love affair with exercise and laughing cow cheeses. I picked strawberries over chips and low fat over Paula Deen. But one thing didn't change..the poops. They stayed around like an unwanted relative. It was still quick runs - no pun intended - to the potty. Going to dinner AFTER the movie and many days eating saltines and ginger ale if I knew I was going on a long drive..
I slowly started to eliminate things from my diet, one being red meat and as I was up late one night surfing the web for beef less recipes, I came across the website that showed me how my food made it to my plate. (http://www.meetyourmeat.com/ for those who care) I sat bawling in the office, where my husband came to see what I was so upset about..at that point I swore I would never eat another animal..and for the next few years I didn't. I became a vegetarian for a long time and then slowly became a vegan. I didn't wear animals or consume them. At first it was hard, because no one likes marinated chicken on the grill as much as my fat ass, but after a while, I didn't miss it..and ya know what else I didn't miss??? The poops. They left. They finally got the point and went to bother a new colon...
In that whole process I lost 65 pounds. I got rid of my bathroom liaisons, my tiredness and had a life...
A few years later, I got pregnant and planned to stay on my veg diet through out my whole pregnancy. Well, life had other plans. Upon entering my 5th month, I truly would have killed a cow on the side of the road with my bare hands and yelled "Wolverines" Red Dawn style. I remember when Wendy's messed up my husbands food and gave him "the baconater". He looked at me like "you're not going to really eat that are you?" and you bet your sweet ass I did. I rubbed it all over my face like I had found the fountain of youth creme in bacon grease. Wow it was delicious. And I was sick for three days. Awake at night convinced that my actions were going to give my son hooves. Then I got over it and listened to people who told me "your body knows what it needs, listen to it." So I did. It said over and over that it wanted boneless buffalo wings, crab rangoons and sausage egg and cheese on onion bagels. I tried so hard to maintain a healthy veggie diet but old wives tales got the best of me. And almost every night I sat in that bathroom so sick and praying that I would not give birth in the toilet. I ignored the clearest message my body was sending at that point... I also gained back every pound I had lost plus 12 by the time my son came. Awesome.
Along with the blissfullness of being a new mom, shit started happening that wasn't kosher. Joint pain to the point that if I got down on the floor I need help to get up. Massive migraine headaches that would keep me in bed for hours and so tired that I would literally cry. I never thought twice about what I was eating. Once i fell off the veg wagon I didn't go back..being a new mom was hard enough and my diet was the last thing on my mind. I had a 10 plus pound kid and a vagina that was really pissed at me..So i was trying to get a handle on other things at the time. Finally I called the doctor. All sorts of blood work later, a biopsy on my small intestines and several appts : I have Celiac Disease. WTF is that?? Well, its an auto immune disease where your body cant handle gluten so it starts to attack itself..(I'm clearly paraphrasing here. Its much more than that. Google it.) Great. Yippee. What now?? According to my gastro. Nothing. My biopsy didn't show any damage so I don't have to go gluten free. She tells me to keep a food journal till my follow up appt and we will take it from there. Cool. Six weeks later I am in her office and show her my journal. There is a star next to anything that made me sick, or that I had a reaction to in some way, shape or form. Next to all those stars were animal products. When I asked her if I could be allergic to animal proteins somehow she looked me in the eyes and said "I have never heard of that. You must be a medical mystery" Yeah..cuz I'm lying jack ass...The end result was her telling me to take Imodium every day. Really?? Are you fucking kidding me??? How does that solve the problem? Oh that's right, it doesn't. Upon leaving her office she told me to schedule my next follow up in 8 weeks where I looked her in the eyes and said "That wont be necessary. I have Imodium to fix me." I never went back.
A few months later I called my regular Doctor again. Telling him that nothing has changed, I'm not going to take Imodium and I want a second opinion. After some pushing to get the appt, I happily went into the big city to see the Big Gun at Big Fancy City Hospital that is now on a tv show. I was so excited. This was the beginning of the end of poops. The end of guessing games over what I can eat. Its finally here. And it was gone just as fast. He was in the room for less than 8 minutes. He spoke fast. Very fast. To the point where he was getting out of breath and the end of his sentences trailed off. He told me to put Citrucel in my diet. One teaspoon a day for a few weeks. That I wouldn't need a follow up appt but if I felt i did the usual is in 6 months. He ordered a new blood test to double check for Celiac and as I sat there waiting for the blood work, i fought back tears. Tears of frustration, anger and for being ushered out of there like some part of a cattle call. When we got to the car, I lost it. I truly cant remember the last time I cried that hard out of madness - or if I ever have. The one positive point was that he did tell me that there are people who have reactions to animal proteins but they don't know what the related entity is that causes it. Good news..I guess.
So when i got home, I threw myself the biggest pity party on the planet. I stood there looking at myself from the outside and after many more tears, finally said fuck this. Im over doctors. Im over people making me think Im crazy for having the reactions that I do. Im over feeling pressured into eating what ever is there so Im not looked at as weird. Im done. The Fat Lady has sung her final verse. As of Monday August 16th, the day before my 35th birthday, I am becoming a vegan again. I am going to completely commit myself for six weeks. If nothing changes, the next six weeks will be gluten free, then sugar free...I will keep going till I get it right. If I lose weight great but Id rather lose my dependency on preparation H. Each day I am going to post my updates of my new journey. I am going to do my exercises, my yoga, read my books, meditate and take pictures with my son. If I'm really lucky, maybe I could change the mind of my husband..or one of you.
P.S. Im having birthday cake. yes there are animals in there but I can handle one last poopapalooza. Don't fuck with my birthday cake.
"A no uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a yes merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble" - Gandhi
I love you Fikkle, and Im very proud of you. You are an amazingly strong woman, I look forward to traveling this road with you and wish you luck.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Holly